


Garden Co. Cream Crackers

by polariizepilots



Category: HIStory3: 那一天 | HIStory3: Make Our Days Count
Genre: I Am Sorry, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Not A Fix-It, Not Beta Read, this what I think Haoting went through after yu shi gu’s death, yu shi gu does not come back to life in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:28:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23457820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polariizepilots/pseuds/polariizepilots
Summary: Xiang Haoting and his thoughts and feelings after Yu Shi Gu’s death.Because he kept all Yu Shi Gu’s things in a green tin cracker box.
Relationships: Xiang Hao Ting/Yu Xi Gu
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently, I like to suffer. This fic is basically what happened to Haoting in those six years after Yu Shi Gu’s death.

Chapter 1

“Here, do you want to try some?” Yu Shi Gu asks, putting the wooden spoon to Haoting’s mouth.

Xiang Haoting nods and blows on the soup that is in the spoon. He takes a sip of it and exclaims, “Mm, delicious! It’s really sweet.”

Shi Gu smiles wide. “That’s good, do you think auntie and uncle will like it?”

Haoting thinks for a moment, “I think so, but they mostly like savory things.”

Yu Shi Gu nods, and takes that into consideration. He decides to add some salt to the soup, so it’s not that sweet. He looks around the counters and looks in the cabinet above his head, but he doesn’t see it. Then he remembers that while grabbing the soda, he forgot to grab the salt also.

He turns to Haoting and says, “I forgot to grab the salt when I was getting the soda, I have to go back and get some. It won’t take long.”

Haoting nods and smiles. “Okay, make sure to take the keys.”

Haoting watches as his boyfriend grabs the keys off the table, turns and smiles at him and then leaves their apartment. He says to himself, “he’s always forgetful.” Haoting turns around and takes another sip of the soup that Shi Gu’s cooking.

“God, that is absolutely amazing,” He exclaims. The bag on the floor catches his attention, and he squats down and gets the little bit of groceries out the bag. While he’s getting the items out, he notices Shi Gu’s wallet. He smiles a little, because of course he would forget something like this. With the groceries in one hand, and the wallet in the other, he stands up. He puts the groceries down on the table, and takes out his phone from his front pocket of his shorts. He calls Yu Shi Gu to tell him; Shi Gu answers his phone call.

“Hey, you forgot your wallet.” He tells him over the phone.

“Oh, I’ll turn around and come get it,” He chuckles.

“Okay, you start walking back and I’ll bring it to you. It’s no biggie.”

He hangs up and grabs his own set of keys to the apartment, and heads out the door. He continues walking to the intersection, but something makes him stop.

A few feet in front of him, he sees a person lying on the ground that looks suspiciously like his Yu Shi Gu, and there’s a car. The person that looks a lot like Yu Shi Gu isn’t moving. And he’s walking faster now, jogging, and then he’s fully sprinting to the car accident.

And then. And then, he stops. He can feel his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach and his blood runs cold, and fuck, why isn’t he doing anything? What the fuck is wrong with him? The person who hit Shi Gu looks at him and yells, “Dude! Don’t just stand there, fucking call 119!”

The yell startles him so bad, but it’s what he needed to actually do something. He stares at Shi Gu’s body as he fumbles to dial 119.

“119, what is your emergency?”

With a trembling voice, he answers, “Yeah, um, I need an ambulance. My, uh, my friend got hit by a car. He doesn’t look too good. I don’t think he’s breathing.”

“Okay, just calm down a minute, and can you tell me where you are?”

Haoting gives the operator the address and says, pleading, “Please hurry, I don’t - I don’t want to lose him.”

“The ambulance should arrive shortly, just hang on, okay?”

“Okay.” He says shakily, and hangs up the phone.

Everything feels like a blur at the hospital. He doesn’t exactly remember seeing Shi Gu’s aunt, but he definitely saw her. She looked how Haoting felt; distraught and worried sick. But he does remember clearly what the doctor said, when she came out of the emergency surgery room. Her words played on loop in his head since he left the hospital 30 minutes ago.

As he lays in his bed, all he hears is those words play in his head. “I’m sorry to tell you all, but he didn’t make it.”

Suddenly, the image of Shi Gu laying there, lifeless, bloody, invaded his mind. He runs to the bathroom. He throws up whatever he ate earlier today, and then the crying starts. He’s been trying to hold it in as best as he could, but he can’t do it anymore.

The cries tear through his throat and out in the air, and he can’t stop. This pain he’s feeling is indescribable, his heart isn’t shattered or torn, it’s been stabbed over and over and over again with a dull knife. It feels like his heart has been ripped out from his chest and dipped in acid and beaten with a bat. He has never gone through this type of pain before, and oh god it hurts so bad.

His cries must have been so loud, because his whole family walks into the bathroom and through his blurry vision, he can see his mom crying and his sister looking so worried, and his dad has a pained look on his face.

“Mommy, it hurts,” he sobs. His mom cries harder, and with a shaky voice says, “I know, I know. But let’s get you off the floor, okay?”

He nods weakly, and his mom and dad help him get off the bathroom floor because his legs feel like jelly, and he’s still crying. They help him walk to the living room, and once they reach the couch, his mom sits down and he falls his head into her lap. He makes these terrible cries, as his mom tries to soothe him. He doesn’t have to look to know that his sister and his dad are there too.

Through a trembling voice, he starts to speak, “He was only supposed to go get salt and come right back. He was making soup and he wanted - he only wanted to get salt. The day wasn’t supposed to go like this. 

Another sob tears through his body.

“You and dad were supposed to come over and eat and compliment our food and give us advice and how we should stay focused. This - this isn’t fucking fair!”

“Shh, I know honey, I know.” His mom soothes.

He cries harder into her lap.

He must have cried so hard that he fell asleep because later that evening, he finds himself in his bed with his pillow soaked with tears. He also has a raging headache and he’s still so fucking sad. He looks over and sees some a glass full of water and some Tylenol on his table across from him. He lets out a long sigh and gathers whatever energy he has left and gets up to take the medication. He swallows the pills along with the full glass of water because crying for that long has made him super dehydrated. He puts the glass down and he spots a little note with his sister’s handwriting

I know this hard for you right now, but we’re all here for you; remember that.

He pulls a sad smile. He gets back in his bed and covers himself in his blankets, and surprisingly, cries till he falls asleep again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic maybe will be 6 or 7 chapters long.

The first week after Yu Shi Gu’s death is hard.   
  


In fact, it’s the hardest week Haoting has ever had to go through. He doesn’t cry as hard as he did that day, but he does still continue to cry here and there. There’s always a constant hurt that settles deep within his bones. It’s like the hurt and pain has attached themselves to Haoting’s veins and nerves, and doesn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. And to make matters worse, Shi Gu’s aunt hasn’t called, texted, or hell, even sent a letter to tell him about the funeral or anything. Which makes him even more miserable and sad, and he hates feeling like this. 

He hates this feeling so much that sometimes he pretends that everything is alright, and that Yu Shi Gu isn’t _really_ dead. That this whole situation is just a really horrible nightmare that he can’t seem to wake up from...but those thoughts don’t last very long though. They don’t last very long because something small and minuscule will remind him of Shi Gu, and he’ll break down once more. 

* * *

  
Sun Bo called him on the third day of Yu Shi Gu’s death, and he really didn’t want to pick up the phone. Because he picked up the phone, then it’ll just confirm that Yu Shi Gu is dead. Like, _really_ dead. As in never coming back to fucking life dead. As in never seeing him again dead. Yu Shi Gu is dead. 

He picked up the phone anyway. And this is how the conversation went: 

“Xiang Haoting, where have you been!?” Sun Bo asks. 

“Home,” Haoting answers. His voice sounds weird to his own ears. 

“Oh. Like, home as in the apartment you and Yu Shi Gu live, or home as in your parents house?” Sun Bo questions. 

Haoting sighs. “My parent’s house.” 

He can feel himself starting to choke up on his words. God, he can’t do this. 

“Oh? May I ask why? Did you and Yu Shi Gu have a fight or something?” 

“No. No, we didn’t fight.” 

“Then what happened?” Sun Bo asks, concerned. 

There’s a long pause on Haoting’s side of the phone. 

“Hello? Haoting?” 

Haoting draws out a long, shaky sigh. “Uh...Yu Shi Gu is - is gone.” He couldn’t bring himself to day dead, not yet. 

“Gone? What do you mean gone?” Sun Bo asks, incredulous. 

“He’s fucking dead, Sun Bo!” He yells. He didn’t mean to yell, but he’s going through it right now. And fuck, he’s crying again. He can feel the wet, hot tears roll down his face. 

Sun Bo doesn’t say anything for a while. 

“ _Fuck,_ man. I am _so sorry_. I don’t - I am so sorry, Haoting,” He says, earnestly. 

“...Okay. I’ll call you later.” He hangs up the phone. He doesn’t even hear what Sun Bo was going to say. 

* * *

  
On the sixth day of Yu Shi Gu’s death, his mom and dad have to physically force him to take a shower and eat something besides dry toast, and water. He does so but it doesn’t stop him from putting up a fight. 

“Haoting, listen to me! You have been sitting in those same clothes for six days now, and you smell, honey. I know, right now, that you don’t want to shower, but I promise you, you’re going to feel a little better,” His mom says as she drags him to the bathroom. 

“Oh my god, fine! Whatever!” He yells. 

“Hey, don’t talk to your mother that way,” His father yells back. 

“Baby, it’s okay. I know he doesn’t mean it,” his mom says. His mom turns on the showerhead for him, and leaves the bathroom and shuts the door. 

Haoting really doesn’t want to get in here, but his mom is right. He does smell and he hasn’t changed into some clean clothes. Reluctantly, he steps into the shower. The warm water hits his skin in the most pleasant way possible. He stands under the showerhead for a long time, before finally putting on shampoo. He gets out of the shower 20 minutes later. He doesn’t feel better on the inside, but at least he doesn’t smell anymore. He brushes his teeth after he gets out because he has not been brushing his teeth either, and has been relying on minty gum. He spits and the toothpaste is mixed with blood. Shit. 

He goes into his room and shuts the door. He dries off and changes into some clean clothes. He carefully puts the outfit he was wearing away. He doesn’t think he’ll wash it yet. 

He goes out into the kitchen and he sees his family sitting at the dinner table. He assumes that his presence shocked everyone because no one says anything for a couple of minutes. 

“Well, you look...better,” His sister says. 

Haoting gives her a tired smile. “Thanks.” 

“Dinner is almost done, if you’re hungry?” His mom comments. 

“Mm. Okay,” he responds. 

A few minutes later and he’s greeted with delicious smelling food. The sight of the food makes his stomach rumble. He sighs and picks up his chopsticks, and starts eating. The food is good, he knows it is because his mom has made this meal before. But now, now it tastes like mush. Like, everything he eats blends together and tastes bland, tastes like nothing. But he continues to eat because dry toast is not a meal, and his stomach will thank him later. He only eats a third of what was given to him, but it’s better than nothing. 

“Thanks for the meal,” He says, with a sad smile. “I’m going to my room now.” 

He gets up, clears his dishes, puts them in the sink, and heads toward his room. He plops down on his bed, starts to cry. Again. 

Crying, it seems, is the only thing that won’t stop. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure if Taiwan has high school graduation like in the States, so if it’s inaccurate I apologize. Also, this is whole thing is not beta read, so all grammar mistakes are on me.

It isn’t until a month later that Xiang Haoting finally gets a call from Yu Shi Gu’s aunt. But it wasn’t a call he expected from her, he thought that she was going to tell him when and where the funeral was going to be held. But she didn’t. She told him that the funeral was going to be low profile, and she’s sorry but only immediate family will be able to attend. 

But he’s family, isn’t he? She tells him one more thing before she hangs up; she tells him that he can pick up and keep whatever is left of Yu Shi Gu’s things. And it’s weird, hearing that. She hangs up after that and Haoting is really bothered by the fact he can’t attend the funeral. It bothers him so much that he starts to get angry, and the next thing he knows is that he’s punching the little punching bag he has on his desk. He punches it till he gets tired, and he slumps against his wall and cries a little. 

The next day, he tells his parents that he’s going to the apartment to get some things and he’ll return later. 

Walking up to the apartment feels a lot like deja vu, and he starts to feel a little sick. But, he enters the keys to unlock the door, and - and the apartment looks exactly the same. It looks exactly the same, but there’s no life in here. It doesn’t feel the same as did what now seems a lifetime ago. It feels cold and dark and dead, and fucking hell why did he come back here. He shouldn’t have come back here. 

He inhales through his mouth and exhales through his mouth, he has been doing this a lot to calm himself down. The apartment looks clean, he must guess it was Yu Shi Gu’s aunt or his parents that cleaned up the place. He looks to his left and he sees the kitchen, and he immediately looks away. God, this is so much harder than he thought it was going to be. He walks past the blue couch, and heads towards what would have been his and Shi Gu’s bedroom. He turns on the light and everything looks the same as before. The bed has been made, but he remembers waking up on that day and not making the bed. Yu Shi Gu insisted on making it, but Haoting was being a little bit of a brat and didn’t want to waste the time nor the energy to make it, so Yu Shi Gu gave into Haoting’s childlike antics, and they just left it alone. 

He looks in the drawers first and he sees Shi Gu’s watch. His heart rate quickens, and he takes a shaky breath. He can feel the tears well up into the corners of his eyes, and he _really can’t_ do _this._ So, without thinking he collects all the things that Yu Shi Gu had. He doesn’t even take the time to look at every single thing he collected, because he knows that he spent too much time looking at them; he would break down and start crying again, and he feels like he’s done enough crying.

He comes back home a little past eight 0’clock. He sees his sister look at him with a worried glance, but he pays her no mind. 

“I’m home,” He announces as he takes off his shoes. He goes straight to his room and shuts the door. He puts all of Shi Gu’s things on his bed, and tries to find something to put it in. He remembers seeing an empty cracker box in his room somewhere, so he goes to look for it. He finally finds it and puts it next to Yu Shi Gu’s things. 

It’s crazy how someone that meant so much to him had so little things to have. He counts about 12 things in total of Yu Shi Gu’s stuff. He takes a minute to look at them carefully, though, he saves the pictures of them last. He can’t look at them just yet. Once he’s done looking at the rest of the Yu Shi Gu’s things, he puts them carefully in the green tin cracker box. 

He finally looks at the pictures. The first one he picks up is the day of his birthday. Yu Shi Gu is smiling wide with the lightbulbs surrounding his small frame. Haoting smiles while the tears stream down his face. The second one is where they’re on their first date, and Haoting decided to kiss him, just a small peck though. The tears continue. He doesn’t look at the rest of the pictures because he’s afraid that if he does, he won't stop crying for a long time. He puts them away in the green cracker box, and stuffs said box into a place where he (hopefully) will forget about it. 

* * *

The dreams come about three months after Yu Shi Gu’s horrific accident. 

The first dream had Haoting waking up screaming Shi Gu’s name. He must have screamed so loudly because his mom and his dad rush into his room, and ask him if he’s okay. He definitely wasn’t okay. His mom soothes him back to sleep, and he goes back to sleep, but this time he dreams of nothing. And he’s thankful for that. 

But, every night for the next two weeks, he wakes up crying out the love of his life’s name. His parents stopped coming into his room after the fourth time. He’s a little saddened by that, but he’s a little understanding because he knows how hard this must be for them. And they’re trying the best they can. 

All the dreams consist of the intersection. And Yu Shi Gu’s body laying there. Not moving. Bloody, and his body bent at weird angles. Haoting screams and screams his name, pleading with anyone and anything to save him. To not take him. But they all end the same. With Yu Shi Gu’s lifeless eyes staring at him, and Haoting’s hands covered in blood, and Haoting screaming his name in agony. 

He wakes up every night with a tear stained pillow, and a headache and still feeling like actual shit. He never knew that losing someone like this would be this hard. And every night like clockwork, he goes into the bathroom and looks at his reflection in the mirror. He looks like himself, but he doesn’t feel like himself. He feels different and not good and miserable and sad and every other word that is the opposite of good. He sighs, splashes water on his face, and leaves the bathroom. 

The bad dreams stop after that two week period, but he doesn’t dream when he sleeps anymore. It’s just black. He supposes that’s better than waking almost every night from those dreams. At least he gets some sleep. 

* * *

Six months after the accident, and Haoting is doing a little better now. He doesn’t live in that apartment anymore, in fact, he got a new one. There was too much history and yet not enough of it. He couldn’t stand the thought of living in that apartment without Shi Gu, so he moved out. 

During that six months, he graduated from high school and decided on a major to study in University. He decided to study physics, in honor of Yu Shi Gu. Though, graduation was a somber day. It didn’t feel right without Yu Shi Gu being there. But nothing will ever feel the same without him, and Haoting is starting to come to terms with that (not really). At some during the graduation ceremony, he feels like he’s betraying Shi Gu in some way. It doesn’t _feel_ _right_ thathe’s getting his diploma, and Yu Shi Gu isn’t. This moment was all Shi Gu strived to accomplish, and yet, he’s not even here to have it. It feels almost selfish in a way. He hates that. 

He and his friends have a small get together after graduation is over. It’s weird to be with them again, after he practically shoved them away (unintentionally) for a good six months. He feels bad for doing that to them. 

He chews on his bottom lip. “Hey, uh. I’m sorry, for uh, pushing you guys away for a long time. I didn’t mean to, but it was still mean of me to do so. So, yeah, I’m sorry.” 

Everyone looks at him, surprised. 

Sun Bo starts first, “Dude, like it’s okay. We aren’t mad at you, if that’s what you think. You went - you’re going through something really hard right now. We understand that you needed some time for yourself, so it’s okay.” 

Xia De chimes in second, “Yeah, dude. Like it’s not your fault, like, I can only imagine how you felt, or still currently feeling. Grieving is a long process dude, and we understand that.” 

He doesn’t know when he started crying, but he feels the wet tears roll down his cheeks but he quickly wipes them away. Because this is supposed to be a happy moment, for Christ’s sake. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you guys. I’m so glad that you guys are my best friends,” He chokes out. 

Next thing he knows, he’s being hugged by his best friends and if that makes him cry harder, then so what? 

He goes to his apartment a little past 10:30 pm, though before he goes to bed. He decides to go up to the roof and look at the stars. The cool breeze feels nice on his skin. He never really took the time to look at the stars before, but when Yu Shi Gu entered his life that all changed. 

He feels a little silly, talking to the stars but he misses Yu Shi Gu so much that he doesn’t care. 

“Hi, Yu Shi Gu. It’s me, Haoting.” That sounded stupid, but he continues. “You probably already knew that though. So, uh, graduation was today. It was fine. I just wished you got to experience it with me. ...It’s been six months and two days since the accident. I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. God, do I miss you. I miss you so much that sometimes it’s all I think about. 

I hope you’re doing okay yourself. I sometimes wonder if you miss me too. Sometimes...sometimes I wish I could just reach out and touch you.” He pauses, trying to find the words that he’s feeling right now, but he can’t. So, he wipes the tears off his face and heads back to his apartment. 

This time when he falls asleep, he dreams. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this fic will have 7 or 8 chapters total. Also, I’m not sure if I like this chapter but I hope you all still like it.

Haoting spends his 19th birthday drinking with his friends, and desperately trying not to think about how Yu Shi Gu is not here to spend it with him. All day, he tried to shove those thoughts away, into the back corner of his mind. For the most part it’s been working, but he’ll catch himself thinking about Shi Gu for just a split second and it’ll cause a ripple of pain through his heart. 

“Happy birthday, Xiang Haoting!” Sun Bo exclaims with a bright smile. 

Haoting pulls a smile across his lips. “Thank you!” 

Xia De looks at him expectantly, “So? How does being 19 feel?” 

Haoting shrugs and takes a swig of beer, and swallows. “The same, I guess. Like, it feels the exact same as being 18, but now I’m in university.” 

That’s not what he really wanted to say, but he didn’t want to make his friends all sad and shit, just because he feels sad and like shit. It isn’t fair to them. Though, he doesn’t feel “sad,” he just kind of feels empty. Like, nothing has any meaning or joy anymore. But he doesn’t say because, well, everyone thinks he’s fine now. He looks fine and he seems fine, so he must be fine...right? Yeah, he’s fine. 

“Damn, I cant believe that University is starting so soon,” Gao Xiao Chun comments. 

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Sun Bo says. 

“How come?” Haoting asks. 

“Because when university starts, I’ll have to be away from Brother Zhi Gang for four years, and that’s - ” Sun Bo stops suddenly. 

Haoting raises an eyebrow at him. “Why’d you stop?” 

“Because, well, you know?” Sun Bo says, worried. 

“Oh.”  _ Oh.  _ Right, he got it now. Because of the whole Yu Shi Gu being dead thing. Right. 

Sun Bo quickly apologizes, “Hey, Haoting. I really didn’t mean anything by it, I was just talking, you know. I - I’m sorry.” 

God, Haoting hates this. He hates that his closest friends have to pick apart their words carefully, so that they don’t set off Haoting into another crying spell or whatever the case may be. He hates that they have to step on eggshells around him, he hates it so much. He wants everything to go back to normal. He wants to be his old self again, not - not whatever he is right now. 

He doesn’t mean to come off cold, but he does. “It’s fine. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.” 

And he knows that he ruined the rest of the night, when ten minutes later Gao Xiao Chun makes a lame excuse to leave. Then the twins both leave about fifteen minutes after him, and then it’s just Sun Bo and Haoting. 

“I am sorry, Haoting. For what I said, earlier.” Sun Bo says, as he puts a hand on his shoulders. “Happy birthday, by the way.” 

Haoting nods as he watches Sun Bo stand up and leave. Well, happy 19th birthday to him.   


* * *

University starts in about two weeks, and he’s anxious but also excited for it to start. He needs something to take his mind off things for a while. First though, he needs to take the entrance exams for the Physics department. He knows it’s going to be tough, but he’ll get in. He knows he can. 

He just wishes that Yu Shi Gu was here to help him. 

He knows that if he were here then he would do everything and anything to make Shi Gu proud of him. But now that he’s gone, he won’t be able to and that kills Haoting inside a little. 

He studies and studies and studies. He studies so much that he feels like his brain is going to fall apart. But he needs to get into this Physics department, there’s no other option. 

He takes a break because if he studies any more, his brain will surely melt. He knows it. When he leaves his room, he can hear people whispering in the living room and it sounds like his parents. He walks closer to hear them better, and he doesn’t know why but he stays hidden from them. 

“I think Haoting needs to speak to someone. He, he’s  _ changed _ ,” His dad whispers. 

His mom sighs. “He has changed, but he’s still our Haoting. He’s just grieving right now, and it hasn’t been exactly a year. Just - just give him a little more time, okay?” 

Haoting hears all this and he can’t help, but feel upset. He knows that he isn’t the same as before, but he thought he was doing such a good job hiding it. He thought that no one noticed how sometimes when people talk to him, he has this far away look in his eyes. How he sometimes fades into the background when he’s around a group of people. He thought he was doing such a good job reassuring people close to him that he’s fine, really. And yeah, he feels empty inside sometimes, but it’s no big deal. Yeah. It’s no big deal.   


* * *

He doesn’t pass the exams on the first try, and that makes him upset more than he thought it would. In some way, he feels like he let Yu Shi Gu down more than he let himself down. And that’s a strange feeling to have. It’s all strange, these past 10 months have felt strange and he’s trying his best cope, he really is. It’s just - it’s like nothing has felt right or the same or normal or anything of that sort since Yu Shi Gu has passed. 

Everyday for the past ten months have felt bland, and everyday blends together and he tries everyday not to think about Yu Shi Gu, but he’s always there. He’s always in the dark corners of Haoting’s mind. He’s the heartache and pain that has permanently settled in his bones, in his muscles, and right down into his bloodstream. Though it's not as sharp and stabbing and constant as it once was, it’s now dull and infrequent, but still there. Will always be there, no matter what he does or what he doesn’t do. Because Yu Shi Gu was, no, is the most important person in his life. Yu Shi Gu, might have been in fact the love of his life and he will never forget him. Not even if he wanted to, not even if he tried.

* * *

The bad dreams started up again about two weeks after he started University. He knows this because he wakes up screaming, like he did 7 months ago. He thought he was done with them, for good. Because while he was having dreams, they weren’t bad ones. Sometimes, rarely, they would be extremely good ones where Yu Shi Gu was smiling, and happy, and laughing. Haoting really cherished those ones, because most of the time, the dreams are him chasing after Yu Shi Gu, begging him to wait, to stop. And while he doesn't favor those kinds of dreams, they were much better than the dreams about the intersection. 

He doesn’t go back to sleep that night, he stays up and watches mindless television. He hasn’t really had a good night's sleep in ages though, so he isn’t even surprised when he hears his alarm go off for his first period class. 

He yawns, and gets ready for the day. He gets ready in 10 minutes, and leaves to go to his classes. His favorite part of the day though, is when he gets to ride his motorcycle to class. It’s a 30 minute drive, but he doesn’t mind. He likes the cool morning breeze as he drives through the city, he likes how everyone is still getting up and ready for the day. Everything around him feels still, quiet almost. While he is the one who’s moving, he likes that part the most; where everything around him gets to be still and not the opposite. He feels still inside, stuck almost, but not quite. Still as in nothing has happened between the accident and now. Still as in he hasn’t moved on and will probably never move on. Still as in...well, a rock. Like, how a rock is still but everything around it is moving and living and breathing, and how the rock only moves when it is pushed or picked up or kicked or thrown, or tossed. He feels like that. 

He feels like a rock. And that’s how he has been feeling for the past 10 and a half months. He feels like a rock and he doesn’t think that’s ever going to change. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for a panic attack towards the end of the chapter. I'm hope that you all are still enjoying this fic, I love reading your guys's comments and seeing kudos left on here. 
> 
> I may write another fic for this fandom, but I'm not sure yet. 
> 
> There's still two chapters left and I might write an epilogue after I'm finished with the last two chapters, still debating on that though.

It’s been one year and one day since Yu Shi Gu’s death, and Haoting didn’t even notice. Nope. He definitely didn’t count the days leading to the anniversary, and he definitely didn’t lose sleep over it. He didn’t spend every waking moment counting the days leading to the anniversary. Nope, he absolutely didn't do any of those things. And if he did, he’s the only one who gets to know. 

The worst part, though, besides him losing sleep and being, well, a little obsessive over it, is that he doesn’t even have a place to visit him. Since Shi Gu’s aunt decided to not tell anyone about the funeral, he can’t even visit his grave. Because, according to him, there is no grave to visit. He thinks that it's quite selfish of Shi Gu’s aunt to not tell anyone, especially him of all people, about the funeral or hell, where he’s even buried, if he’s buried. 

He spent so much time with Yu Shi Gu. He fucking loved him for christ’s sake, like the least she could have done was tell him where was he was buried. But no, she didn’t. And he can’t be too mad at her for making that decision, but still. He wants to go to a place to visit him, and talk to him, but he can’t have any of that. He will never have any of that. It’s so unfair. It’s unfair to him and Yu Shi Gu, because Yu Shi Gu also had people who cared about him, who - who loved him. It wasn’t just his aunt who lost someone...it was him too. 

* * *

It’s been a year and one month since Yu Shi Gu died, and Haoting has been keeping busy. Like, busier than he used to be. But then again, he hasn’t been how he used to be. College is the big reason why he’s been busier, and to be honest, he likes being busier. Being busy and having something to do takes his mind off of things. Certain things, that is. Certain things as in Yu Shi Gu, and well, just Yu Shi Gu for the most part. But keeping busy is good, keeping busy is really the only way that makes him stop thinking about him, even if it’s just for a few minutes. It’s the night time that really gets to him, he doesn’t mean to do it, but he does and studying and doing homework only does so much. He’ll find himself fantasizing how his life would be like if Yu Shi Gu hadn’t cruelly died a year and one month ago. He’ll lay down on his bed, and stare up at the ceiling while the light from his television lights up his room. Doing this, the whole imaging and fantasizing is bad for him, he knows that. But he still does it anyways. 

He imagines him and Yu Shi Gu in their shared apartment. He imagines making Yu Shi Gu breakfast before he leaves, and leaving a post-it note with his terrible handwriting saying something super cheesy, but also kind of romantic that only seems to work with him. He imagines Shi Gu smiling at his stupid note and eating his delicous breakfast. He imagines sending pictures of himself in school with a bored expression with the text saying ‘I miss you :(.” He imagines Shi Gu texting him back with some half-serious snarky comment about how he should be paying more attention in class, and not on him. 

He imagines coming home to Yu Shi Gu cooking something really delicious, and he imagines himself hugging Shi Gu from the back, and planting a kiss on Shi Gu’s cheek. He fantasizes about all of this and more. He fantasizes about having a life with him. But there will never be a life with Shi Gu, and that kills Haoting inside. He does that until he feels tired and sad, and then he goes back to studying. He wakes up most mornings with a creak in his neck, and his back feeling not so great. He doesn’t mind it all that much because that also gives his mind to focus on something else. 

One day, a year and two months after Yu Shi Gu’s untimely death, Haoting finds himself looking up mountains in Taiwan. He then finds himself looking up how to hike up a mountain, and then it’s kinda all downhill from that point onward. He starts preparing for hiking/climbing the highest mountain in Taiwan. He knows it’s going to be hard, physically, and might be even challenging mentally. But he needs to keep busy, and college can only do so much to keep him busy. 

One day, he mentions hiking to his parents, kinda off handedly. They look at him with surprised expressions, and his mother has a look of concern on her face, but he ignores it. 

“Um, Haoting, where did this come from?” His mother questions. She can’t help but feel concern for her son. Especially since Yu Shi Gu’s accident. 

Haoting shrugs. “I don’t know. I just decided to get a different hobby. And hiking seemed the most fun. So, I’m doing it.” 

“Just be careful, you understand? Mountains are scarier than they seem,” His father comments. 

“Of course, dad.” 

And that’s the end of that conversation. They talk about how he’s doing at college and his little sister, and things of that nature. 

He becomes really ingrained into the whole hiking thing. Fuck, he even trains for it. He goes to the gym about three times a week, and he even goes to one of those rock climbing places. He gets all the supplies he needs for this, and he takes up most of his time but he likes it. Or, he convinces himself that he likes it. No, he likes it, he’s sure of it. He does all of this for a good month or two or three , and suddenly he’s found himself at the bottom of Jade Mountain. Now, he knew that Jade Mountain was a pretty tall mountain, but he didn’t realize how tall it really was because, seeing it in person, it’s extremely high up. He hides his fear and covers it with all of his confidence that he has in his body, and takes a step. 

By his 200th step, he’s starting to feel really tired. But he likes the burn he feels in his lungs, and the ache in his calves. The higher he goes, he feels the snow crunch his boots and the air is starting to feel colder, and he likes that. 

It takes him about 12 hours or so to hike all 12,966 feet of Jade Mountain. And while it isn’t the tallest mountain in the world by a long shot, he feels like he can see everything from up here. He can definitely feel the rapid beating of his heart in his chest, and his lungs feel like they’re on fire, and his legs and feet hurt something great, but this view is so worth it. He can practically see all of Taiwan from up here, and it’s fantastic. He looks up towards the sky and he can see the stars in all their glory, and makes him feel full. And he hasn’t felt full in a long time, in such a long time. Before he knows it, he reaches his hand up to the sky as if to touch, as if to feel Yu Shi Gu. And he swears that he feels Yu Shi Gu reach out to touch him too, but it only works for just a moment, barely a fraction of a moment, to be honest. But it’s enough for him. For now, at least. 

* * *

He’s running late to class one day. He slept through both of his alarms (the first time he’s ever done that) and that means he totally missed his first class of the day, and he doesn’t hurry up, he’s going to be late to his second class, and he definitely doesn’t want that. He quickly puts on some clothes, brushes his teeth, and hurries out the door. And he’s just about to open the door, when he bumps into someone. 

“Oh, I’m so -” He stops. The person looks at him with a confused look, and he nervously laughs. 

“Uh, are you okay?” The person asks. 

Haoting gulps and snaps out of it. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m sorry for bumping into you by the way.” 

The person shrugs nonchalantly. “It’s fine. Are you going to go in?” 

Haoting’s heart is racing in his chest right now, and if he stares at this guy any longer, he might actually start crying. 

“No, I’m just - I have to use the bathroom.” He quickly turns and he bolts to the nearest restroom. 

And if he has a mild panic attack in the bathroom about the guy who looks a lot like Yu Shi Gu, then well, no one needs to hear about it. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think Yu Shi Gu's doppleganger had a name so I gave him a name. But if he does have a name, please let me know. Also, thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos on this fic. And I can't believe that it just it over 100 hits, that's crazy. Also, I plan on uploading the last chapter today also. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to upload this chapter, I've been busy with things irl. Anyways, I hope y'all enjoy!

Chapter 6 

  
  


It’s been three years since Yu Shi Gu’s death, and about two years since he met the guy who looks like Yu Shi Gu. 

* * *

  
  
  


For a week straight, Haoting avoided him like his life depended on it, which it did for the most part. He just looked so much like him that it hurt to look at him for longer than a minute. But one day, Haoting mustered up the little bit of courage that he had and invited him to drink with him and Sun Bo one day. Haoting was expecting him to say no because he’s been avoiding and ignoring him for a whole week. Much to Haoting’s surprise, he said yes. 

That night all three of them are three drinks in and suddenly, Sun Bo leans over and whispers to Haoting, “He kinda looks like Yu Shi Gu, no?” He was expecting that but at least he’s not the only one that thinks so. Sun Bo whispers, “Though, he’s totally different from Yu Shi Gu.” Haoting agrees to that, while they may share the same features. Yu Shi Gu and him are totally different. He’s loud and a bit obnoxious sometimes and he doesn’t tell awful dad jokes like Yu Shi Gu, but he sure does look like him though. 

“Honestly, Xiang Haoting, I thought you kinda hated me or something,” Yu-Chen comments. 

Oh, and he also sounds like Yu Shi Gu also. Which doesn’t help him at all. 

Haoting smiles sheepishly. “Yeah, I’m sorry that gave you that impression of me. I actually don’t hate you.” 

Yu-Chen rolls his eyes playfully, “Senior, I know that now. You know, I actually think you’re pretty cool.” 

Haoting gives him a small smile. “I’m glad you think so.” They part ways an hour later and Haoting offers to give Yu-Chen a ride, but he declines politely and says that he’ll take a cab. Haoting watches as Yu-Chen waves bye to him and gets into the cab. As the cab drives away, Haoting sighs deeply. 

* * *

  
  


Before he knows it, Haoting and Yu-Chen are becoming friends. Haoting mentions in passing that he likes to hike, and Yu-Chen says he does too with a few of his other friends. And the next thing he knows is that they’re planning a hiking trip together to the Northern Chatien Mountain. They meet EI and Chianhao at the base of the mountain and they exchange a few words before they start hiking. There’s minimal conversation as they hike up the mountain. The scenery is pretty and Yu-Chen is in front of him and Haoting is not imagining that it's actually Yu Shi Gu and they’re on a hiking trip together and no. Nope. He’s not doing that. No. 

“Hey, Xiang Haoting?” Chianhao questions. “When did you get into hiking?” 

“Hmm? Oh, about three years ago, give or take,” Haoting responds as he steps over a large rock. 

“Three years, that’s not very long. What made you want to start hiking?” 

Obviously, he lies. “Oh, I just wanted to try something new and I always wanted to try hiking, better late than never, you know?” 

“Exactly, I agree.” 

They hike in silence the rest of the way. Once they reach the top, Haoting has a small conversation in his head. It’s short and it gets to the point, and he hopes that Yu Shi Gu hears. 

* * *

  
  


As Yu-Chen and Xiang Haoting spend more time together, he can’t help but notice how Yu-Chen and Yu Shi Gu are similar, and not just in the way they look and sound. Yu-Chen is considerate, kind, funny (sort of), smart, ambitious, and fun to be around. A lot like Yu Shi Gu and it pains him a bit. He reminds him of Yu Shi Gu so much that sometimes it’s really hard to be around him, but he continues to be around him because even though Yu-Chen is not Yu Shi Gu and never will be, at least Haoting has someone that reminds him of Yu Shi Gu. And that’s better than nothing at all. 

* * *

  
  


Phoebe comes into his life unexpectedly. They bump into each other in the hallway and Haoting notices that she’s pretty. She’s got shoulder length black hair, with a butterfly pin in it. She’s wearing light makeup and a cute outfit. 

“I’m sorry,” Haoting apologizes. 

She laughs lightly. “It’s okay, I wasn’t looking where I was going anyways.” 

They talk a little more and the next thing Haoting knows is that somehow he gets her phone number. 

“Call me sometime, okay?” 

Haoting calls her the next day. Haoting invites her to get a cup of coffee and they talk for a long while. The conversation ranges from topic to topic and for the first time a while, he feels at ease. He hasn’t felt at ease like this since Yu Shi Gu was alive. 

They do this for a few months. Getting coffee, food, or whatever and just talking. Phoebe asks him a question which takes him aback. 

“Are we like dating?” She says as she takes a bite of her food. And are they dating? Haoting never really took the time to consider it, but on the surface it sure does look that way. He’s just not sure if he likes her in a romantic way. And sure, she’s beautiful and nice and sweet and she likes spicy food the most, and has a bit of a sweet tooth. But. But she’s not Yu Shi Gu. 

It’s half loneliness and half the inability to say no. “Yes, I think so.” 

She smiles widely. “Sweet, so I can call you my boyfriend now? Unless you don’t want me too.” 

“Hmm, I don’t mind.” Haoting smiles.

He mentions that he has a girlfriend to some of his college friends about a week later. They all congratulate him and they ask who it is and he just says it's a Senior and she's about to graduate. He doesn't feel like it's a big deal because he's had girlfriends and boyfriends, but they're all a bit younger than him so he can understand why it's a big deal to them. 

He attends her graduation a month later. As a graduation present he gives her a necklace and as thanks she gives him a chaste kiss on the lips. He doesn't feel anything when she kisses him, and it's sad, but it's the truth. He tried, he really did, but he can't seem to like her. He really doesn't want to let this go any farther than it should, he needs to end relationship. But not right now, not during her graduation. Especially with all her friends and family around. 

He'll do it soon, just not right now. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is folks! The last chapter is here. I do want to say that I did use dialogue from Ep 10 of modc. Also, also, I didn't include the very last scene of ep 10 (on viki) but my headcanon is that Haoting is bisexual. That's all I have to say. So, anyways, a huge thank you goes to the people who have supported this fic, sorry it took me so long to finish it. I hope that you all have liked it. Anyways, enjoy! Also, they never gave us the name of the other character that Huang Juan Zhi plays, which kinda sucks. So, I don't if he played three different characters or just two, either way Yu-Chen is the name i gave his other character.

Chapter 7 

  
  


Six years pass by faster than he expected, faster than he wanted. Though, maybe it’s better that these six years passed by as quickly as they did. But still, where did the time go?

He’s at his parents house and he can hear his mom cooking in the kitchen. He’s contacting his professors and Yu-Chen at the same time. He gets up from the couch and walks towards the kitchen. His mom asks him a question as she gets out the bowls for lunch. “What is it? Did you get in touch with the professors? When are you planning to book the tickets?” 

Xiang Haoting pours himself a glass of water. “Mid-July.” 

“Jul...mid-July?” His mom exclaims. “This quick?” 

Xiang Haoting knows this comes as a shock to his mom and possibly his dad. But he wants to leave as early as possible. “I want to get there earlier to get used to the environment. That would be ideal.” 

His mom beats eggs as she responds, “Then I’ll have to let dad know. He’s been asking. He’s asked me a few times already. Oh, right, did you tell me that tomorrow or the day after, you need to go to the airport and pick someone up?” 

Haoting takes a sip of water and then swallows. “He hasn’t bought a ticket yet. I’m still waiting for him to let me know.” 

“Then where are you going to stay when you get back?” His mom asks, voice dripping with concern. “Should I prepare your room for you guys? Or give you guys the master bedroom?” 

Haoting hasn’t been in his childhood bedroom in a really long time. He doesn’t like to stay in his room for longer than he has too. Too many memories, yet somehow still not enough. 

Haoting looks towards his room and then back to his mom. “It’s okay. I won’t give up my rental so soon, and besides, there’s still things I want to take care of. I’m also planning on taking him for an island tour around Taiwan. Since, after we leave this time, it’ll be awhile before we come back.” 

“You should take him for a tour around the island,” His mom agrees. “Although, he went two years before you. This time, he helped you get into a U.S graduate school. And then to take care of all the school matters, it’s good to thank him. It’s a must.” 

He sighs internally because while he loves his mom to death, he doesn’t want to hear a small lecture right now. 

“I will,” He says. 

“Wait a bit.” His mom says as she walks the two feet to the stove. “Smells good.” 

* * *

  
  


Xiang Haoting will never get used to seeing Yu-Chen’s face. It should be considered a crime to have the same face and hair and voice and build as your past lover. He sometimes wonders if Yu-Chen notices the way he looks at him sometimes. Xiang Haoting admits that he looks at Yu-Chen not in a romantic way, but in a way that he’s trying to remember someone and store it in the deepest part of his memory, so that he doesn’t forget them. So that he never forgets them. And if Yu-Chen does notice, well, at least he doesn’t say out loud. 

“Hey!” Xiang Haoting calls out to Yu-Chen. 

“Hey,” Yu-Chen says with a small smile. 

They walk closer to each other. 

“Why so suddenly?” Xiang Haoting asks. 

“Oh, just because.” Yu-Chen shrugs nonchalantly. “I heard that you wanted to take me on a tour?” 

Haoting nods. “Mm. Yeah, a personal tour around Taiwan.” 

Yu-Chen smiles. “Oh, sounds fun. Come on then, let’s go.” 

  
  
  


Haoting and Yu-Chen spend a couple of hours together. Haoting shows him his favorite stops in town and around the island. They have fun and take pictures, and converse here and there. Though, he looks away when he notices Yu-Chen smiling too widely in his direction. Haoting fails at trying to not smile at his stupid jokes. But they have fun together and he feels the most normal when he’s with Yu-Chen. He’s starting to feel okay. Or the most okay he can achieve. Once his personal tour is over, Haoting mentions that his friends from highschool have asked to get together, and he asks Yu-Chen if he wants to come, but he politely declines. So, Haoting goes alone. 

  
  


“Finally, we’re all here together. How long has it been since we’ve all got together?” Xia En comments. “What has everyone been up to?” 

“Me? Well, lately I’ve been busy working with a lot of different websites,” Gao Xiao Chun responds. 

“That’s great! You should ask me to help out. Let me tell you! I’ve really elevated my shooting skills.” 

“You should ask him to shoot for you,” Xia De suggests. 

“Hm, how about next time we do it together?” Gao Xiao Chun suggests. 

“Are you being serious?” 

“I’m serious.” 

Xia En and Xiao Chun clink their glasses together. 

For some odd reason, Haoting is feeling out of place. He’s feeling like more of a spectator right now, than a friend who got invited to a get-together. He doesn’t mind all that much though because he likes hearing what his friends have been doing lately. He’s gotten used to being in the background now. 

“Let’s take a picture,” Xia De says. “It’s been too long since we’ve seen each other. Let’s take a picture.” 

“Let’s wait for Sun Bo,” Haoting interrupts. 

Xia En scoffs. “He’s late, forget him.” 

Haoting smiles a little at that. Being on time has never really been Sun Bo’s forte. And right now que, Sun Bo shows up. 

“Miss me?” He smiles. 

Haoting notices that Sun Bo has matured, in fact all his friends have matured. He doesn’t feel like that though, he’s changed. There’s a difference between changing and maturing as a person. And he’s definitely changed. 

Xia En gets up. “You’re late! How dare you? It’s been so long and you’re late.” 

“I’m late? Am I late? I’m here just on time.” 

“How dare you. You know what being late means, don’t you?” 

“What?” 

“Three shots!” They say in unison. 

“I can’t, I drove today.” 

“Stop playing around.” 

“Oh, you’re just using the driving excuse.” 

“Soda! Boss, give me a big bottle of soda.” 

“No excuses with soda.” 

“No excuses,” Sun Bo repeats as he takes off his blazer. “What were you talking about just now?” Haoting takes his blazer for him. 

“Old Sun. Just for you!” Xia En interrupts. 

“That’s too much.” 

“Here. Let me in.” 

They all watch as Sun Bo drinks the soda, but he stalls as if it’s actually alcohol. Haoting smiles at Sun Bo’s antics. It feels good. Seeing his friends like this, after all this time. He chuckles as they try to get Sun Bo to drink another cup of soda. As a joke they try to get him to drink mentos with it. 

“Wait, mentos only works in cola, not Sprite,” Xiang Haoting comments. 

They all wow in unison. 

“Physics major!” Xia De exclaims. 

“But since you were able to graduate, you’re pretty amazing,” Xiao Chun says. 

“Speaking of which, you’ve been quite disrespectful,” Xia En chimes in. “It’s been so long.” 

That’s true. It’s your turn to drink,” Sun Bo agrees. 

“I graduated last week,” Haoting comments. 

“It’s been quite a few days now.” 

“I’ve been organizing grad study papers and recommendations along with other stuff.” Haoting reasons. “I’m getting ready to go to Stanford.” 

He spent a long time thinking about if he should go to the U.S. for graduate school. In the end, he chose to go to Stanford and he’s glad that he accepted into that school. 

“Stanford!” They say in awe. 

“The haircut place?” Xia En jokes. 

“Right, the one Chunghsiao East Road,” Sun Bo confirms. 

“It has the best physics faculty in the U.S,” Haoting goes on. 

“A-Hao not only did you graduate, you’re the cream of the crop,” Xia De compliments. 

Haoting smiles a little at that and he continues to smile at the banter that his friends have created. They continue to make conversation and make jokes here and there. It’s nice, being together with them again. It kinda feels like old times. He likes moments like this...he just wishes there were more moments like this. He goes to his parents house after a while because it’s closer to the restaurant they were at. 

“How come you’re home so late?” His sister questions. 

“After I finished dinner with Sun Bo and the guys, Professor Chen asked me to help out,” Haoting explains. 

“That professor of yours really can’t bear to let you go,” His sister responds. 

“Your brother is now a top student. Unlike you,” His father chimes in. “I just hope you can get into University.” 

“Okay, okay. Dad, let’s just eat,” His mom intervenes. 

“I’ll graduate University for sure, okay?” His sister promises. 

They all walk towards the kitchen table. 

“That’s right! It’ll be no problem,” His mom says. 

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Haoting prys. “Why have you been dressing up lately?” 

“I have not,” His sister denies.

“No?” 

“Listen to your brother,” His dad chimes in. “Your attire is too revealing.”

“Is it? I bought them, they’re fine,” His mom comments. 

“Let me put my bag away first,” Haoting interrupts. 

Haoting walks through the hallway and walks into his childhood room. His room has changed. He’s moved stuff around and his bed isn’t where it used to be when he was eighteen, and his desk has been moved too. But the couch, the couch still remains in the same spot. He starts to grab things off his shelves. Things he doesn’t want to keep anymore. Things he hasn’t looked at or touched since he was eighteen. He removes two different bins that were hiding behind a small desk. He sits down and starts to take some items out of the bins. It’s mostly just some books and random papers that he’s taking out. He pauses though, when he sees the green crack tin box. 

Before he knows it, his hands are reaching for the box. He hasn’t touched this box in six years. It feels strange, foreign even in his hands. He holds the box in hands and he knows all the things that are in there, and he can feel the tears well up in his eyes. He knows it’s been six years and he should’ve moved on by now, and for the most part he has. But the grief and the sadness that came along with losing Yu Shi Gu has made itself a home inside of his heart. That grief and sadness is a part of him now. 

He doesn’t hear his mom come in and he’s startled when she places a hand on his shoulder. He looks up and then quickly looks away, and wipes away his tears. 

“Come eat,” she says. “It’s your first time going abroad, if there are things that you can’t bring with you this time, just put them altogether. Mom will mail them to you.” 

He nods, non-committedly. 

“Come out and eat. The dishes are getting cold.” 

“Okay,” He says softly.

She stops at the door and turns to her son. “Son.” 

Her son looks at her and she starts to cry, but she gathers herself and starts to speak again, “These past few years you’ve been so busy everyday. Like a spinning top, spinning ‘round and ‘round. Never stopping. I know that you think maybe it’s better this way. But...maybe it’s time you slow down a bit. Let yourself live again. Or else, you will...you will miss a lot of what’s going on in your life. Besides, you're surrounded by many people who love you.” 

Haoting knows that if he speaks, he’ll just end up a crying mess. So, he just nods instead. But he can’t afford to slow down, slowing down is not an option for him right now. Being busy everyday for the past four to six years is about survival, about doing the things that Yu Shi Gu will never get the chance to do. He has lived vicariously through Yu Shi Gu. He stays in his room to cry for a bit. He looks at the green tin cracker box once more. 

* * *

He’s at the rental that he’s staying in and he just got out of the shower. He walks into the room and he spots the green tin box on top of the tv stand. He doesn’t pick up though. He continues walking and he sits on the side of the bed. He looks at the green tin box again. He wants to open it, but he won’t let himself do it. He picks up the star lamp that changes colors instead. He looks at the box one more time and he so badly wants to open it, he still remains seated. He manages to convince himself not to open it. 

  
  


The next day, he agrees to meet with Yu-Chen at a cafe. He’s not feeling it, but it’s something he has to do. It’s hard to look at him right now, but it’s not like he can just say that Yu-Chen looks like his dead lover because that’s a weird and creepy thing to say no matter the situation. He walks into the cafe. 

“Senior, you’re late again.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Seriously. Hurry up and eat. I’m telling you! The chicken at this place is super good. Or do you want to have caramel pudding? What do you want to drink? I’ll go and order it for you?” 

He’s not very hungry. “Anything is fine.” 

“Anything?” 

He watches as Yu-Chen orders for him. 

“Senior, we all thought that you would pick one of the European schools from England or Germany. I never thought that you’d choose the U.S. in the end. But the States are pretty cool too. We all really envy you. I also really want to go. Oh, right! Last time, when we went hiking to the Northern Chatien Mountain with EI and Chinhao, I heard that you said your girlfriend is coming back. You really are something, you told them before me. We’ve known each other for much longer. Tell me! What do you mean by this?” 

Oh, right. He never broke up with Phoebe. He likes her well enough, but something is just off between the two of them. He knows that Phoebe notices, but she’s a nice enough girl not to say anything. He figures that the only reason that they are still together is because it’s convenient for them right now. And that when he leaves to go to graduate school in the states, they’ll most likely break it off and they’ll blame it on the long distance. 

“It’s nothing. I just mentioned it to them,” He explains. 

“How did you two meet?” Yu-Chen asks eagerly. 

“She’s my senior sister. We got together just before she graduated,” He answers. 

“That’s so good. I’m not as lucky as you. I really want one, too. I don’t know any good-looking senior sisters.” 

He stares a little too long at Yu-Chen because he says, “What? Do I have something on my face?” 

Haoting shakes his head. 

“Take a look at this.” He says as he hands over some papers to Yu-Chen. 

“What’s this?” 

“My equipment.” 

“Equipment? Why do I need to look at this?” 

“See what you want and let me know.” 

“Are you serious? Senior, you have so much equipment. Eh? You’re not going to hike after you go abroad?” 

“If I need anything, I’ll just buy it there.” 

“I knew it! You like the stars so much, you’re like an astronaut. How can you just say you’re going to quit? Then I won’t pick. I’ll take them all! That’s great. It’s all mine! This is so great. I’ll find time to pick them up for you.” 

“Sure. If you don’t have time to meet, I’ll mail them to you.” 

“Before you leave, we should get together again. Besides, you’ve given so much equipment, I need to treat you to a big meal. Under NT$150, I’ll buy.” 

“Do you know? That day when the apple was going to compete with the pear? Whoever said their own name first would lose. The pear said, “Come on.” Then the pear lost.” 

“What?” 

“It’s a joke,” Haoting explains. 

“A joke? What’s the joke? Senior, that is not funny at all. I’m telling you, I really can’t laugh.” 

He looks out the window, and he sees his sister. She seems to be texting someone and he looks back at Yu-Chen and he’s also on his phone. He looks down and looks back up at him. 

“Bye-bye.” 

“Huh? This isn’t another one of your boring jokes is it?” 

“This time, I’m really going to say goodbye to you,” Haoting says. 

“How come you’re saying it like we’re never going to see each other again.I’m telling you. There’s a lot of mountains that not everyone has climbed yet. You can’t just leave like this.” 

Haoting gets up and leaves without saying another word. He pats his sister’s head as they walk back. 

“Who did you meet up today?” She asks. 

“Someone I met hiking,” He responds. 

“Oh.” 

“Thanks for coming with me to go shopping.” 

“Of course, I’m going to help you.” 

They enter the clothing store and Haoting is on his phone rather than look for clothes. 

“Brother, I remembered that sister Phoebe likes to wear earth tones, doesn’t she?” His sister comments. 

“Yes.” 

His sister holds up a beige shirt. “Then take a look at this one.” 

He looks at the shirt no longer than thirty seconds and says, “It’s okay.” Then continues to look at his phone. 

His sister scoffs. “Is it the end of the world if you don’t look at your phone? Playing with it even when you’re shopping.” 

“I trust your judgement,” Haoting says as he still continues to look at his phone. 

“Then how about this one.” She holds up a forest green shirt this time. “Is this one more suitable for her?” 

“Mm.” He nods. 

She lowers her voice, “Hey, from the moment we came in until now that store clerk over there has been staring at you.” 

Haoting turns around to see what his younger sister is talking about. 

“Xiang Haoting,” Li Shiyu says. 

“Li Shiyu,” He says, surprised to see her here. 

They agree to get something to eat when she gets off of work. They decide to go get pizza. 

“You know, I thought I’d dump into you there. It’s all full of girl stuff over there.” 

“It really is a coincidence,” He says. “Being able to get together with old friends before going abroad is pretty nice.” 

“Thanks to your sister.” She smiles. 

She leans a little. “Are your glasses real or fake?” She taps on the lenses. “They’re real. When did you start wearing glasses? Even wearing necklaces, looking very artsy. You really have changed a lot.” 

“You haven’t changed much,” He comments. 

“Of course, I’m Li Shiyu. I keep telling my boyfriend that I look the same as when I was in highschool.” She poses. 

Haoting nods in agreement and a moment of silence falls between them before Li Shiyu speaks again. 

“Besides appearance, you seem to have become much more mature. 

He looks up at her. 

Where did that monkey crab from high school go?” She finishes. 

“I never really thought people could change.” They’re both quiet for a minute before he speaks again, “How about you? How are things going?” 

“Pretty good. After graduating, I thought getting a job would be easy. But it seemed harder than I thought, so I interviewed for this job first. I thought I’d just try it out. But I never thought your sister would like our clothing. Tell her to look for me next time, I can give her our employee discount.” 

“Okay, thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

It’s a bit awkward between them, granted they haven’t seen each other since high school. But still, it’s nice to talk to each other again. 

“How about you? Where are you working?” 

“I just graduated from University,” He mentions. 

“You delayed graduating from National Central University?” 

He shakes his head no. “After graduating, I retook the exams for two years before getting into the physics department at National Taiwan University.” 

“NTU Physics? Are you serious? That’s so hard to get into!” She exclaims. “You retook your exams and got into NTU Physics? Back then, didn’t our school only have Yu Shi…”

Haoting immediately looks up at her when he hears Yu Shi Gu’s name. People that are close to him know that he doesn’t like to talk about him. It’s better for him and them for it to be that way. He looks at her a little meanly because an awkward silence fills the air between them, but after a moment he softens his features and looks away. 

“That accident was all too sudden,” She says out of nowhere. He hoped that she would take the hint and not press the issue any further, but she still does. “I heard from Meifang that he didn’t have any parents, so his aunt took care of the funeral. His aunt wanted it to be very simple and very low profile. No one knew the time or the place of the funeral. So I wasn’t able to go and see Yu Shi Gu one last time. 

He hates her. He hates her so much right now. He wishes that she would just stop talking for a moment, for a second. He’s starting to feel the ache in his jaw by hard he’s clenching it. He can’t help it but he thinks it’s quite selfish of her to say that when he -  _ he  _ didn’t get to see Yu Shi Gu for the last time.  _ He _ was the one who spent the most time with him, he was the one who got to really know Yu Shi Gu, and still doesn’t where he’s buried, if he’s buried, or whatever the fuck else. And it fucking sucks, it sucks so much but it’s not like he contact Yu Shi Gu’s aunt. He doesn’t know which hurts more, Yu Shi Gu’s death or not having a place to visit him. 

If I didn’t see you today, I probably wouldn’t have thought about him. Knowing that you are doing very well right now, I’m very happy for you.” 

“Thank you,” He says quietly. 

They pay for the meal and they say goodbye. He’s walking back to his apartment, but something feels off. He can’t shake the conversation he just had with Li Shiyu, and he’s trying so hard to not break down. He’s been holding it all in for these past couple of years, trying to convince himself and others around him that he’s okay now. That’s he’s finally moved on. But he hasn’t moved on, and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever move on. His heart hurts so much and he wants to feel something other than emotional pain. So, he starts jogging, then he’s running, and he’s full on sprinting. He runs all the way back into his apartment/rental. 

He stops. He stops right in the middle of the doorway leading into his room and looks down and to the left. And there it is. That fucking green tin cracker box. He drops his bag onto the floor. He walks to the box and the cold metal meets his hands. He opens it against his best wishes. And there it is. Of all of Yu Shi Gu’s things and pictures for him to see. He picks up the first thing he sees and it’s Yu Shi Gu’s small clear pencil box with a watch attached to it. He sucks in deep breath and immediately puts it back down. He can’t. He really can’t do this. But he needs to. More like he wants to. He picks up the tin box and slides down against the tv stand with the box in his hands. As he holds the box in his hands, he closes his eyes and his mind flashes back to when he was eighteen. His mind flashes back to when they first met, and when Yu Shi Gu punched him. When he made him late to his final exam as revenge, when he followed Yu Shi Gu to his workplace and he got so mad at Haoting. When he confessed his love to Yu Shi Gu and had their first kiss. He opens his eyes. With trembling hands, he picks up the pictures of Yu Shi Gu and them together. And his mind flashes back to their first date, their first time together, and Yu Shi Gu’s eighteenth birthday. It flashes back to the night before the accident. When Yu Shi Gu said ‘I love you.’

He’s crying so hard that it shakes his entire frame. He takes off his glasses and leans his head back. He hasn’t looked at these pictures in six years, or well looked at anything in this box in six years. Maybe, just maybe this was a mistake. He should’ve let the tin box be and he should have left at his parents house. But he didn’t. He looks into the box and he pulls out the watch that Yu Shi Gu always used to wear. And that just puts him over the edge. 

He’s been sitting in the rain for a while, or well it seems like awhile because he’s soaking from head to toe and he doesn’t have his glasses on, and most of all he’s just tired. He’s just so very tired. He sees car headlights and he doesn’t have to guess who it is. Sun Bo gets out of his car and runs over to Haoting with an umbrella in his hands. He squats down and Haoting doesn’t have to look at him to know there’s a look of concern and worry written across his face. Haoting has done this once before. Just got up and left without saying anything; it was after he found out that Yu Shi Gu’s aunt didn’t tell anyone when or where the funeral was going to be held. And he also promised that he wouldn’t do something like that again. Guess he’s not too good at keeping promises. 

The ride back to Sun Bo and ZhiGang’s house is silent. Haoting doesn’t say anything and neither does Sun Bo. Haoting counts the droplets on the passenger window to pass time. Once they get to the house, Sun Bo immediately tells him to get into the shower and that he’ll have clean dry clothes waiting for him when he gets out. Now, he’s sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, while Sun Bo talks to his mom to confirm that he’s safe and dry. 

Sun Bo sits next to him on the couch. “Everyone’s looking for you. Do you know that you made everyone worry about you? What are you thinking?” 

“I’ve changed,” His voice is rough from crying. 

“We’ve all changed.” 

“But he hasn’t changed.” He swallows the brown liquor and it burns going down his throat, but he doesn’t care. He pours himself another shot. “His time stopped when he was eighteen. But mine will continue to move on. Unable to stop. I keep longing to be able to close the distance between us, so I keep climbing mountains and continue to climb mountains that are even closer to the stars. It’s like I can touch the stars when I reach out my hand, like being able to touch…but it’s wrong. No matter how much I want to get closer to him, reality is that our distance will become further and further apart. He’s still eighteen. Only I’ve changed. I’m so scared. I’m very frightened.” 

And that's the truth. He’s been scared for so long. Scared of forgetting him, scared of losing to himself. Afraid of what the future holds for him, what it doesn’t hold for him. Afraid of losing life’s moments that have to to offer him, afraid of never getting those moments. He’s so very afraid. 

“But him at eighteen, will always have you at eighteen beside him,” Sun Bo offers as comfort. 

“I still...I still often dream about that intersection. That car. Him lying there. But I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t do anything.” 

He pours himself another drink. “He left so little behind. But do you know? You know that every one is a picture. Every one is a memory. All those things have left me so full...so full that I’m ready to explode. Sun Bo, do you know? I tried to forget him. I couldn’t. The only thing I managed to do was keep remembering him. Carry him with me as I lived. But it really hurts. I really miss him. I miss him so much my heart hurts. If I keep on like this, I won’t be able to handle it.” 

“You don’t need to forget him,” Sun Bo soothes. “You only need to keep moving forward. You carried him this far. If you can't find your direction, you just keep going in the direction you’re heading. You will find the exit.” 

A cry tears through Haoting’s body. “I really don’t know how to continue on my own.” 

“You still have all of us. You were never alone.” 

* * *

  
  


He hears a knock on the door. He doesn’t get up though. 

“Xiang Haoting!” His mother calls out. “Get up, stop sleeping! Didn’t you ask me to wake you? It’s after ten! Don’t you have an appointment with someone?” 

He groans internally and finally rises out of bed. He has a slight headache and it could be because he was crying and also a bit tipsy, and he hasn’t been wearing his glasses often. He begrudgingly gets up and meets his family in the kitchen. 

“I’m up,” He says. “My head hurts.” 

“Headache?” His dad suggests. “Sister, go get an aspirin for him.” 

“He’s probably hungover. Last night, when he came home, he smelled like alcohol.” 

“Right, it must be a hangover,” His dad sides with his sister. “Then go down to the convenience store and buy some hangover remedy.” 

His sister pouts. “Dad, nowadays you really favor him.” 

“That’s enough. Your brother’s about to go abroad and he won’t be home for much longer. Siblings shouldn’t be so fussy. Hurry up and go.” 

“Haoting. I’m telling you, Phaebe is a nice girl.” 

“Phoebe,” his mom corrects. 

“Oh. Phoebe.” 

“Right, you have to remember. Don’t forget when they come over and you say it wrong.” 

“Phoebe,” his dad repeats. 

“That would be awkward,” his mom chuckles. 

“Phoebe is a nice girl. This time when you go abroad with her, see if you are used to being with her. If the feeling's mutual, you might as well settle down. Such a nice girl like that. If you don’t take the opportunity, others will steal her away,” His dad advises. 

Haoting doesn’t think that will happen. In fact, he doesn’t want it to happen. 

“Really, what dad’s saying is right,” his mom chimes in. “Good girls are hard to find. Besides the two of you have so much in common and have so much to talk about, right? But if you have other plans, you need to tell the person as soon as possible.” 

His dad nods in agreement. “Don’t waste the other person’s time.” 

Haoting nods. “I’m going to take a shower first.” 

* * *

  
  


As Haoting is driving back to his own house, he stops and sees two boys crossing the crosswalk, and he’s reminded of being that age with Yu Shi Gu. He sees them together so clearly. So clearly it’s almost like he’s watching a movie about them two when they were together. He sees them in a park and Yu Shi Gu is reading a book under a tree, while Haoting makes a ring out of some grass and a yellow flower. He opens his palm and presents the fake ring to Yu Shi Gu. He smiles brightly and takes the fake into his hand and holds it up to his face so he can admire it. That memory fades too. But this time he doesn’t cry at them, he smiles and yeah, while it still hurts, it doesn’t hurt as much as before. And maybe that’s progress. It’s slow and sometimes you take a step back or two, but the pain doesn’t last or hurt as much as it did before. And maybe Sun Bao is right, he will find his exit. Maybe not today or tomorrow, or next year, but at least he knows the exit is there and he’ll find it one day. 

  
  
_ 结束  _ ( _ The end).  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did use google translate to translate The End in Mandarin, so if it's wrong I apologize.


End file.
